Use **Lei** with strangers, with people older than you and in any professional or commercial setting; use **tu** with peers, friends, family, close colleagues and young people generally. *Lei* is built with the third person singular: *Lei **come sta**?*
How it's built
The polite Lei uses the third person singular feminine, even when addressing a man: *Lei è il signor Rossi? Vuole un caffè? It isn't a gender mistake: Lei descends from an old Vostra Signoria*, which was feminine.
Pronouns and possessives follow: Le porto il conto, il Suo cappotto. In formal writing the capital letter is a mark of respect, and it's worth keeping in work emails.
The imperative uses the subjunctive: *Si accomodi (take a seat), Mi scusi (excuse me), Senta* (excuse me, to get attention). These three you'll hear every day in Italy.
Who gets which, in practice
Lei: shopkeepers, waiters older than you, doctors, teachers, officials, anyone on a work phone call, and anyone visibly over forty you don't know.
Tu: peers, young settings, sport, creative and tech workplaces, and — nearly always — anyone who uses tu with you first.
Voi in place of Lei is heard in southern Italy, especially toward older people. It's authentic and respectful there, but it isn't the national norm.
Switching to tu, and what happens if you slip
There's a formula and using it is entirely normal: Possiamo darci del tu? The older or more senior person proposes it — proposing it the other way round is the one genuine misstep.
Erring on the formal side almost never offends: Lei to a peer sounds stiff at worst, and the listener immediately reads you as a foreigner. The reverse — tu to a senior professional — stands out more.
When in doubt, start with Lei. Nobody will hold it against you, and coming down is always easier than going up.
Related questions
Why does Lei take feminine agreement even for a man?
Because it descends from *Vostra Signoria*, a feminine expression. The grammar kept the original's gender even after the phrase itself disappeared.
Do young Italians still use Lei?
Between peers, almost never — but it's alive and well toward professionals, older people and strangers in any service situation.
Updated 2026-07-29